I want everyone to know before start this almost serious blog, that the title I just came up with made me laugh out loud. Sometimes I amuse myself.
anyway......
The first time I put on tap shoes something in me changed. Does that sound ridiculous and cheesy? probably, but I don't care. It's totally true.
I was depressed all the time. I couldn't sleep. I thought about death on a daily basis and knew that I was way to chicken to ever hurt myself. Yet, for some reason, I really didn't want to be alive.
I cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions, nothing anyone said to me made me feel better. Most people don't even know that something so serious was going on. It was a horrible time for my husband. The first night I ever told him I wanted to die, I laid in his arms and cried for a very long time. I don't even know why. I just know that I no longer wanted to be alive.
Dave threatened to call my mom, and I told him that all she would do was come here and not be able to help me either. I had this huge void in my life that I couldn't explain to anybody. Even people who say they have gone through the same thing can not possibly understand. When people have depression they have to live with their own demons. It's not about me trying to stay alive for other people or worrying about what would have happened if I was no longer around. It was about me being numb to everyone and everything around me.
I had all the hopes and dreams and places I wanted to go. My life was nowhere near where I imagined it would be. I never wanted to be married and I never really thought about having kids. Then one day I decided that I wanted kids, that was 6 years ago. I haven't been able to have kids and all of a sudden it hit me, that I was going to have to get over that. So what if I don't have kids??? Dave is fine with us not having kids, or so he tells me. I know it is just to make me feel better because I saw the hurt in his eyes the one time I took a pregnancy test and had to tell him it was negative. So I laid there at night and would cry for no reason over things that were out of my control. Not just the not being able to have kids issue, but many many things clouded my thoughts.
Then last year on the 4th of July, I was able to go to Washington DC and see the fireworks by the Washington Monument. This made me realize that there was so much I wanted to do that I was missing out on. Why? Because I was lying around feeling sorry for myself playing the "woe is me" card all the time. I needed to find more things that made me happy, and quick.
Not only did I decide I wanted to live and be happy, I decided I was going to do all of the things I always wanted to do. Spending the 4th of July in DC, was always the number one thing I wanted to do before I died. I never did because I have issues with being around that many people and with the heat. Since I managed that, why couldn't I do the other things?
I was going to take photography lessons, I was going to go on a hot air balloon ride, and I was going to take tap dancing lessons. I couldn't find a photography class that interested me close enough to where I live. I figured I could do the hot air balloon ride at any time. I also really wanted and still want to get another tattoo, but I figured I could wait on that since I have yet to find the perfect version of what I want.
My friend Karmy is a dancer. I told her I always wanted to take tap dancing lessons. She said I should go for it and not to be worried about anything. She said that her dance studio was awesome and they had people there of all shapes and sizes and ages. I don't know why but those were the words I needed to hear. So in September I signed up for a teen/adult beginners class.
The first day of class I was so scared. Terrified even. I remember pacing in front of the studio and not knowing if I should go in. I did not want to be the only adult in the class so that made me more nervous than anything. So class was about to begin and I put my shoes on and walked in the room. I tried to hold my head up high. I really did. It was pretty discouraging to find out I was the only true beginner in the class. It really didn't matter though. Not to me. I was so determined to get through that first class that I ignored the other girls. Plus there was another girl my age so it made me feel a lot more comfortable. My teacher was so nice. She told me I should get better shoes though. Apparently I had bought the shoes that were more for little kids and not adults. She said I would feel a lot better and be able to hear my taps better if I had a better pair. So I went on ebay and managed to buy an 80 dollar pair of shoes for 26 bucks.
When time came for the teacher to ask us if we wanted to be in the spring recital, I said yes without even thinking. A few weeks went by and I really wondered what I had gotten myself into. I couldn't turn back. I had to do it. I told myself from the very beginning that if I was going to do this, I was going to go all out. I wasn't going to just go to class. I was going to prove to myself that being alive meant facing all of my fears. Even the fear of failure, and showing other people all my hard work.
Then came time for the recital practice on the stage. I couldn't smile. I just could not smile when I was up on that stage practicing. I was convinced that the "Niki Factor" would set in and I would fall off the stage or go in the wrong direction. I had bad dreams about this. The Friday night before my show we had dress rehearsal. I was more scared than ever but I wasn't going to show it. I told the stage manager that I was going to throw up. She told me not to be nervous that there was no doubt that I knew what I was doing. I guess hearing it from a complete stranger gave me guts. I went out and did it, and smiled. It was more of a nervous smile, a fake smile.
So Sunday came. Sunday June 5th to be exact. I stayed in the little room under the stage until it was time for my dance. I have never in my life been so scared, nervous, excited, and sick, at the same time. Before I knew it they were telling me I had to be "on deck" and that my dance was next.
......and then it really did happen. I wasn't smiling on stage because I had to anymore. Not right at that moment anyway. I was smiling because I was actually tap dancing on a stage. Maybe it wasn't a Broadway stage and there weren't a thousand people watching me, but it was a stage. I had so many friends show up to see me. I will forever be grateful for all of the love and support I felt leading up to that day. I cant even express how much it meant to me without crying. I wish my mom would have been able to be there. Part of me was dancing for her. I knew she would be proud no matter what though.
However, the most important thing I learned that day and through out this whole experience is that I made ME happy. I made ME proud. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt like if someone had pinched me, I would have felt it. Like is someone had cut me, I would have bled.............. I felt alive and felt like staying alive........... Just like the Bee Gees!!! hahahahahaha
Also, I have come to learn that I love tap so much, it does not matter if I ever get to do those other things. This is me, and I love it!!!!!
