People always look at me funny when I tell them I met my husband on the Internet. Maybe its because we didn't meet on one of those dating sites? We met in a football chat room.
Let me start from the beginning....
When I was a senior in high school, my mom had a computer obsession. She would spend hours on Yahoo, in a chat room designed for people to go in and talk about football. She made a ton of friends and usually the same people showed up and chatted in this room. She still talks to a lot of the people 11 years later.
I moved away from home not long after I graduated. The summer of 1999 I made my way across the country and ended up in Harrisonburg, Virginia. I have no idea what made me think moving to VA was a good idea. In many ways, and for many years I regretted my decision. I made many friends, but it never really felt like home. I was looking for ways to go back to CO.
In April of 2003, I went home for a visit. Mom was still chatting in her chat room and had met new people. She told me about some kid with the nickname "Leo". I told her I was not in the mood to talk to guys from the Internet. My previous boyfriend was a guy I met online and he turned out to be a cheating asshole. She insisted that I would like this guy and when he found out she had a daughter he said he wanted to talk to me. I still don't know what made him think he needed to talk to me. He was a Packers fan and I was a Chiefs fan. It was, after all, a football chat room. So I took a chance. So began, the story of Dave and Niki....
So then the next thing I know, I am talking to this guy on the phone every single day. Sometimes for hours at night. It was ridiculous how much time I spent on the phone. I was really starting to like him too. I knew this couldn't end well, so in July I decided I would just stop talking to Dave. He didn't like that very much and was super persistent. He called me numerous times, and told me that he liked me too much to stop talking to me. Against my better judgement, I figured Id keep talking to him. If nothing else at least I had made a friend.
Dave spent the next 7 months, writing me love letters, sending me money when I needed it, and calling me every single day without fail. I still have the love letters. Anyone who knows Dave, knows that if there is one thing in this world he can do, it's write. Imagine how short, sweet, well written, and to the point a love letter would be from Dave, and you are correct.
In Nov. Dave was turning 21. He invited me to come to NJ and go to Atlantic City with him for his birthday. I just took another big chance and decided to do it. We had been talking on the phone for 7 months. Why not meet in person, right?
So a friend of mine drove me up to NJ. I was scared and nervous to go by myself. You hear all these creepy stories about guys from the Internet ya know? When I first saw Dave, he was standing outside his mom's apartment building. He wasn't as tall as I thought and he kind of looked like a street thug. (hahaha! Sorry, I just pictured it again. That site makes me laugh, and smile, and makes my heart swell to this day) He ordered me Domino's hot wings. It was late at night and they were the only place open. Plus I was craving hot wings.
We stayed the night at his place and then went to AC the next day. It was an amazing couple of days. Dave payed attention to me, listened when I talked, and most importantly, MADE ME LAUGH. I didn't want to leave. I was convinced that was the last time I would ever see him. I was feeling like a cliche from a movie. Girl falls for a guy while on vacation. Girl has to leave. Girl never sees the guy again and becomes a bitter old cat lady. That, however, didn't happen.
Dave had never been on a plane in his life. I told him I was going to Colorado for Christmas. He said he wanted to come to. I was a little surprised. I was also nervous. My family is not the most normal of families. My older brother is the manager of an Adult Entertainment store, and at the time, my younger brother was, well he was a stripper I believe.......
So we spent that Christmas together, and I could tell I was really starting to like Dave. I didn't want to put myself through a long distance relationship though. It sucked leaving Colorado. Not only was I having to say good bye to my friends and family, but I was having to say good bye to Dave as well. Then we saw each other again....
Dave convinced his mom and sister to drive him down to VA. in Feb for valentines day. It was crazy. We got to spend a couple more days together and he had to leave again. Now it had been almost a year and I was getting really discouraged. Dave was going to college at the time and I couldn't afford to move to NJ, plus at the time I really wanted to move back to Colorado. When Dave left this time, he told me he wanted to move down to VA in May when school let out.
So in May of 2004 Dave moved down to Virginia to be with me. It was a decision that I couldn't believe he made. He left all of his friends and family and even his dreams of finishing college in NJ, to be with me. We lived in a house in Staunton until March of 2005. In March, we moved to Harrisonburg. We have lived in the same apartment complex ever since.
For four years we were Just happy to be together. We talked about having kids all the time and tried for awhile. I told him I cared more about having kids then I did about getting married. Both of us have divorced parents, so we have equally negative outlooks on the whole matrimony issue.
Then in Aug of 2008 I started having a lot of problems. I was sick all the time and never seemed to be well. I was constantly shaking and feeling light headed. I was always thirsty and even when I drank 8 bottles of water a day, my thirst was never quenched. I gained 60 lbs and I couldn't get it to go away. In Jan. of 2009, I ended up in the E.R. I was pretty sure I had strep throat, but I was scared because I had a high fever and was really not feeling well that night. Dave came with me to the E.R. He was pretty worried, and I was about to find out just how worried...
The E.R. doctors at this hospital I was at, are not very compassionate or smart. I wont name names, but I am sure anyone reading this who lives in VA knows which hospital I am talking about. So I was laying on a very uncomfortable bed and the Dr came in and checked me. They really didn't know what was wrong so they just gave me an i.v. drip of some antibiotics and told me I needed a family Dr. Dave held my hand as they put the needle in. The Dr. said I might fall asleep. Dave just kept holding my hand. Then I passed out. I have no idea how long I was asleep. When I woke up, Dave was still holding my hand. He was just looking at me like no one had ever looked at me before. I wish it wasn't such a cheesy moment, but it was. I knew by the look on his face 3 things. 1. He wasn't letting go of my hand, 2. He was pretty scared , and 3. I wanted to marry this man.
So I went to an OBGYN and found a Family Dr. Between the 2 Dr. I found out what was wrong with me. I have type 2 diabetes and PCOS. The PCOS makes it nearly impossible for me to lose weight and helped with development of the diabetes. I have a severe case of PCOS because I don't ovulate at all, whereas some womenw ith it are able to ovulate and can still get pregnant, I cant. At least I can't get pregnant without a lot of help. This I know makes it really hard on Dave, since I know he wants babies as much as, if not more than I do. He is bound and determined to be a daddy and to be a better Father than his biological father was.
After all of this news, I just figured it would be smart to at least get married. If anything happens to me health wise, I need someone to be able to make decisions, and who better than the guy who has held my hand through it all??? In February of 2009, my mom and Dave's mom decided that they would both come visit in March. I figured why not get married when they were both here since there was no way we could afford a big formal wedding.
So one night after I picked Dave up from work, while we were driving home, this is the conversation we had, in typical Dave and Niki fashion:
Me: "since our moms are both going to be here the end of March, you wanna get married?"
Dave: "sure"
Me: "OK what are you gonna do when we get home?"
Dave: "play some Call of Duty. you?"
Me: "Watch t.v. I guess."
Not much has changed in the 7 years we have been together. I occasionally almost sign my name Niki Vance, that's about it. Dave still makes me laugh, and he grabs my hand every chance he gets. (it's one of the things I love the most and I am sure now he will comment about it) I always read about people asking older couples "whats the secret to a long happy marriage?" It's usually the same 2 or 3 different responses "the wife is always right", "never go to bed angry", or "listen to what the other person has to say". In my opinion it's all about being there to hold the other person's hand and above all else, MAKE THE OTHER PERSON LAUGH!!!!!!
(Cue Dave saying "I am funnier than her")
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Concussion Much????
So lately I have been having these really bad headaches. I have decided that my numerous head injuries are finally catching up to me. Lets start from the beginning.......
When I was about four or five (mom says 2 1/2 maybe 3), My brother and I ran into each other when we both were running full speed in the basement. His tooth got stuck in my forehead. There was a lot of blood, and it hurt, but not too terribly bad. I have a scar that you can barely see to this day.
When I was about eight years old (mom says 5) my mom told me and my brothers that we had to go pull weeds in the garden. I decided that it would be a good idea to chop these weeds down with a meat cleaver while mom was at work. We did not have a very responsible baby sitter, obviously. So as I was chopping the weeds, I cam across this really strong overgrown bush. It was shaped like a rainbow. Somehow there was a root on each side and I could not pull it. So I got my handy dandy meat cleaver and proceeded to chop at this huge monster. I eventually thought it would be a good idea to take the cleaver and chop away at the rainbow of weed, by going underneath it and swinging the blade upward toward my face. Well, guess what happened when the weed gave way? You are correct, I hit myself in the head with a meat cleaver. I have a very tiny scar from this as well. There was blood and it hurt, but in the end I had what looked like a scratch on my forehead.
When I was Ten, I was running through the apartment complex where my family lived. In the middle of this complex, there were huge metal clothes lines. I never saw clothes on them. They were rusted and the paint was chipping off of them. Mostly we just tried to hang off of them and not make them tip over. So anyway, one day I was running around them with my brothers. I was not paying attention to what I was doing so I ran right into one. There just so happened to be a screw sticking out of the metal. The screw jammed tight in between my eyes and the blood was out of control. I mean I would have never believed blood could literally squirt out of a person if I hadn't seen it for myself. My mom saw it and freaked out. She made me put a towel on my head and kept screaming "apply pressure Nichole, Apply Pressure," She then tried to squeeze my head so hard I thought it was going to pop off. SO I was rushed to the hospital for the first time I could ever remember. When the nurses and Dr saw me they rushed me right in. The Dr took the towel off my head, and pushed his thumb on the wound and miraculously it stopped bleeding. Mom found this hilarious and laughed because he barely touched me and it stopped. So after cleaning up the blood we discovered that all of this blood came from a hole so tiny you could barely see it. Now I am not going to lie, this wound didn't hurt until the next day. I remember having a headache and not even being able to look at the light.
When I was about 13 I was riding in a car with my best friend Margot, and her mom. It was Superbowl Sunday and it was snowing. In Colorado people drive even during blizzards so we probably shouldn't have been on the road, but we were. So anyway, the car in front of us started spinning out of control and it hit us, and then we started spinning and we went of the road and almost hit some electrical towers. It was scary, but we were all OK. I don't remember hitting my head. I remember being very shook up and scared, but I do not remember hitting my head. The EMTs came to the scene and asked us if we were OK. I was fine. So I went home. During the Super Bowl game my head started to hurt. It got so bad I ended up throwing up like four times and I couldn't even open my eyes. I then realized that I did hit my head. I was in the back seat and was laying my head on the window when we started spinning. My head bounced off the window. I have no idea why I didn't remember hitting my head at first. Maybe I was in shock. Years later I figured out maybe I had a concussion.....
So when I worked at Circuit City(R.I.P.) I was counting money one day and I hit my head on the safe door. You know those big huge vault type safes? The ones that are made of concrete and steel? Anyone who has ever worked with one of those two ton monsters can only imagine what that felt like. I had a headache for three days from that incident.
When I quit Circuit City I had a going away shin dig and I was VERY very VERY intoxicated. I went home and fell off my bed and hit my head on the corner of my night stand. I had a black eye and it looked like my eye was bleeding for about a week. It sucked that I had to start my new job with a black eye, but I bet no one even remembers.
My toilet seat broke and I needed a new one. I went to the ol' wal marts (yes I said it this way on purpose) and I bought a new seat. I got home and thought I could put it on myself. So I went into the bathroom and tried taking the old one off. That thing refused to come off. I was pushing and pulling and the one side just wouldn't come undone. So I decided (against my better judgement) to get a hammer. I figured I could just whack the little plastic piece and it would come off. So at this point I was very frustrated. I was sweating profusely. I stripped down to my underwear and bra. I bent down and I lifted the lid and I was going to take one final swing at that damn toilet seat, I got ready and swung.......... You see somehow, and don't ask me how because I don't know, but somehow, that hammer came toward my face. So I had to move my head out of the way. When I moved my head out of the way of the hammer, my head hit the wall. Man oh man did that hurt. At that point I had a mental break down and just got in the shower and ran ice cold water. It was a horrible time. My head had a bump on it for awhile and I had a head ache for a few days. I did learn three very important lessons from this incident though.
1.toilet seats do not come off with hammers, and hammers are not supposed to come towards your face
2.It is really hot in the bathroom and apparently toilet seats do not come off just because your clothes do
3.toilets cause me to have concussions, nervous break downs and hot flashes.......so no more handy work for the bean
So now I work at a particular Grocery store which shall remain nameless. I work in the office and we have a huge safe similar to the one the I had at Circuit City. I have not hit my head on this safe yet. I am super careful around that death trap. I do, however, on a weekly basis hit my head on the shelf that sits above the computer I work at. I wonder if there is anyway to move that computer. Wishful thinking.
So last week I was putting dishes away. I always leave the cupboard doors open, because I am short, I have that luxury. I have never needed to "watch out". Or so I thought. So last week, I hit my head. It hurt like hell. It still hurts when I touch the spot that had a bump.
The next day when Dave was putting away the dishes he hit me in the head with one of the drawers that pulls out of the dishwasher. Don't ask. It happened and that's all you need to know. It was a complete accident on his part, but still. I cant believe I am no longer allowed to put away dishes.
The Previous stories were written over a year ago. Never fear, I have hit my head again. This time I managed to give myself a concussion while I was sleeping. I know what you are saying, "how in the...???". Well, when you have the "Niki Factor" following you around, it is easy.
So I was sound asleep, which is a rarity, and somehow my pillow ended up on the wrong end of the bed. I don't know exactly what happened except that I tried to lay down and the back of my head ended up hitting the headboard instead of the pillow. I must have passed out after this cause when I woke up my head hurt really really bad and I felt like I was going to puke. Yeah, I am pretty sure I should not get anymore concussions.....I should have retired a long time ago like Troy Aikmen.
So now I think that all of these head injuries are coming back t haunt me. Well that and all the stress I go through on a daily basis from dealing with a bunch of smelly, mo mo customers. I do actually feel better now since I have rambled on for like two hours. OK time for another lavender bath and maybe some tea.
When I was about four or five (mom says 2 1/2 maybe 3), My brother and I ran into each other when we both were running full speed in the basement. His tooth got stuck in my forehead. There was a lot of blood, and it hurt, but not too terribly bad. I have a scar that you can barely see to this day.
When I was about eight years old (mom says 5) my mom told me and my brothers that we had to go pull weeds in the garden. I decided that it would be a good idea to chop these weeds down with a meat cleaver while mom was at work. We did not have a very responsible baby sitter, obviously. So as I was chopping the weeds, I cam across this really strong overgrown bush. It was shaped like a rainbow. Somehow there was a root on each side and I could not pull it. So I got my handy dandy meat cleaver and proceeded to chop at this huge monster. I eventually thought it would be a good idea to take the cleaver and chop away at the rainbow of weed, by going underneath it and swinging the blade upward toward my face. Well, guess what happened when the weed gave way? You are correct, I hit myself in the head with a meat cleaver. I have a very tiny scar from this as well. There was blood and it hurt, but in the end I had what looked like a scratch on my forehead.
When I was Ten, I was running through the apartment complex where my family lived. In the middle of this complex, there were huge metal clothes lines. I never saw clothes on them. They were rusted and the paint was chipping off of them. Mostly we just tried to hang off of them and not make them tip over. So anyway, one day I was running around them with my brothers. I was not paying attention to what I was doing so I ran right into one. There just so happened to be a screw sticking out of the metal. The screw jammed tight in between my eyes and the blood was out of control. I mean I would have never believed blood could literally squirt out of a person if I hadn't seen it for myself. My mom saw it and freaked out. She made me put a towel on my head and kept screaming "apply pressure Nichole, Apply Pressure," She then tried to squeeze my head so hard I thought it was going to pop off. SO I was rushed to the hospital for the first time I could ever remember. When the nurses and Dr saw me they rushed me right in. The Dr took the towel off my head, and pushed his thumb on the wound and miraculously it stopped bleeding. Mom found this hilarious and laughed because he barely touched me and it stopped. So after cleaning up the blood we discovered that all of this blood came from a hole so tiny you could barely see it. Now I am not going to lie, this wound didn't hurt until the next day. I remember having a headache and not even being able to look at the light.
When I was about 13 I was riding in a car with my best friend Margot, and her mom. It was Superbowl Sunday and it was snowing. In Colorado people drive even during blizzards so we probably shouldn't have been on the road, but we were. So anyway, the car in front of us started spinning out of control and it hit us, and then we started spinning and we went of the road and almost hit some electrical towers. It was scary, but we were all OK. I don't remember hitting my head. I remember being very shook up and scared, but I do not remember hitting my head. The EMTs came to the scene and asked us if we were OK. I was fine. So I went home. During the Super Bowl game my head started to hurt. It got so bad I ended up throwing up like four times and I couldn't even open my eyes. I then realized that I did hit my head. I was in the back seat and was laying my head on the window when we started spinning. My head bounced off the window. I have no idea why I didn't remember hitting my head at first. Maybe I was in shock. Years later I figured out maybe I had a concussion.....
So when I worked at Circuit City(R.I.P.) I was counting money one day and I hit my head on the safe door. You know those big huge vault type safes? The ones that are made of concrete and steel? Anyone who has ever worked with one of those two ton monsters can only imagine what that felt like. I had a headache for three days from that incident.
When I quit Circuit City I had a going away shin dig and I was VERY very VERY intoxicated. I went home and fell off my bed and hit my head on the corner of my night stand. I had a black eye and it looked like my eye was bleeding for about a week. It sucked that I had to start my new job with a black eye, but I bet no one even remembers.
My toilet seat broke and I needed a new one. I went to the ol' wal marts (yes I said it this way on purpose) and I bought a new seat. I got home and thought I could put it on myself. So I went into the bathroom and tried taking the old one off. That thing refused to come off. I was pushing and pulling and the one side just wouldn't come undone. So I decided (against my better judgement) to get a hammer. I figured I could just whack the little plastic piece and it would come off. So at this point I was very frustrated. I was sweating profusely. I stripped down to my underwear and bra. I bent down and I lifted the lid and I was going to take one final swing at that damn toilet seat, I got ready and swung.......... You see somehow, and don't ask me how because I don't know, but somehow, that hammer came toward my face. So I had to move my head out of the way. When I moved my head out of the way of the hammer, my head hit the wall. Man oh man did that hurt. At that point I had a mental break down and just got in the shower and ran ice cold water. It was a horrible time. My head had a bump on it for awhile and I had a head ache for a few days. I did learn three very important lessons from this incident though.
1.toilet seats do not come off with hammers, and hammers are not supposed to come towards your face
2.It is really hot in the bathroom and apparently toilet seats do not come off just because your clothes do
3.toilets cause me to have concussions, nervous break downs and hot flashes.......so no more handy work for the bean
So now I work at a particular Grocery store which shall remain nameless. I work in the office and we have a huge safe similar to the one the I had at Circuit City. I have not hit my head on this safe yet. I am super careful around that death trap. I do, however, on a weekly basis hit my head on the shelf that sits above the computer I work at. I wonder if there is anyway to move that computer. Wishful thinking.
So last week I was putting dishes away. I always leave the cupboard doors open, because I am short, I have that luxury. I have never needed to "watch out". Or so I thought. So last week, I hit my head. It hurt like hell. It still hurts when I touch the spot that had a bump.
The next day when Dave was putting away the dishes he hit me in the head with one of the drawers that pulls out of the dishwasher. Don't ask. It happened and that's all you need to know. It was a complete accident on his part, but still. I cant believe I am no longer allowed to put away dishes.
The Previous stories were written over a year ago. Never fear, I have hit my head again. This time I managed to give myself a concussion while I was sleeping. I know what you are saying, "how in the...???". Well, when you have the "Niki Factor" following you around, it is easy.
So I was sound asleep, which is a rarity, and somehow my pillow ended up on the wrong end of the bed. I don't know exactly what happened except that I tried to lay down and the back of my head ended up hitting the headboard instead of the pillow. I must have passed out after this cause when I woke up my head hurt really really bad and I felt like I was going to puke. Yeah, I am pretty sure I should not get anymore concussions.....I should have retired a long time ago like Troy Aikmen.
So now I think that all of these head injuries are coming back t haunt me. Well that and all the stress I go through on a daily basis from dealing with a bunch of smelly, mo mo customers. I do actually feel better now since I have rambled on for like two hours. OK time for another lavender bath and maybe some tea.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Everyone Is Gay
There is a touchy subject that I have been wanting to talk about for a very long time. I have tried very hard to keep quiet, but I cant stand it any longer.
Gay Marriage!!! Why does it even have to have a label? Shouldn't marriage just be marriage. Why does it have to be different when two men do it or two women do it? I am so confused over the whole situation. I don't care to know or understand all of the laws out there about this topic either. You know why? The answer is simple. We should not be worried about people getting married in this country. There shouldn't be laws prohibiting people from having families and living happily ever after. The divorce rate is sky high on both ends of the spectrum. Gay/Straight/Black/White/interracial/ it doesn't matter. Everyone is getting divorced. Don't come at me with that "the Bible says" stuff either. Cause you know what? Our country was founded on people having different beliefs and those people didn't all believe in God either.What they all believed was that we needed a country that would accept all people. It took a while for the racial and gender issues to be resolved. You'd think we would have learned our lesson by now though.
What we should be worrying about as a country is the Govt sending more troops overseas! What we should be worrying about as a country is health care! What we should be worrying about as a country is global warming (yes it does exist)!! What we should be worrying about as a country is the oil spill that will effect so many people and their well being for such a long time. It pisses me off beyond belief that people who we choose to run our govt, I am talking all sides, not just GOP and not just Dem, are more worried about Fred and Tom getting married, than weather or not Fred and Tom have a job. I am sorry but homosexual people not having jobs effect's my life way more than them being married.
So most Americans are pissed off at Arizona for trying to pass a law that appears to encourage racial profiling, yet those same Americans think it is OK to label/discriminate against homosexuality. Yeah, I said it. It makes no sense to me why we think it is wrong to ask someone if they live and work in this country legally, yet it's OK to tell legal citizens they can't get married. I am pretty sure the Constitution guarantees equal rights to all people. The whole Arizona law is another argument for another day, right now I am more concerned for my homosexual friends. Since I am pretty sure most of them are legal and have jobs and don't make me run to the back to get the right WIC milk every day....Sorry I had a moment!!!
So anyway I have rambled on enough about this subject. Weather you agree or disagree with the whole Gay Rights debate, you should at least take a moment to think about this: What if it were you?? o.k. that is all for now, I have a Friday night to prepare for.
Gay Marriage!!! Why does it even have to have a label? Shouldn't marriage just be marriage. Why does it have to be different when two men do it or two women do it? I am so confused over the whole situation. I don't care to know or understand all of the laws out there about this topic either. You know why? The answer is simple. We should not be worried about people getting married in this country. There shouldn't be laws prohibiting people from having families and living happily ever after. The divorce rate is sky high on both ends of the spectrum. Gay/Straight/Black/White/interracial/ it doesn't matter. Everyone is getting divorced. Don't come at me with that "the Bible says" stuff either. Cause you know what? Our country was founded on people having different beliefs and those people didn't all believe in God either.What they all believed was that we needed a country that would accept all people. It took a while for the racial and gender issues to be resolved. You'd think we would have learned our lesson by now though.
What we should be worrying about as a country is the Govt sending more troops overseas! What we should be worrying about as a country is health care! What we should be worrying about as a country is global warming (yes it does exist)!! What we should be worrying about as a country is the oil spill that will effect so many people and their well being for such a long time. It pisses me off beyond belief that people who we choose to run our govt, I am talking all sides, not just GOP and not just Dem, are more worried about Fred and Tom getting married, than weather or not Fred and Tom have a job. I am sorry but homosexual people not having jobs effect's my life way more than them being married.
So most Americans are pissed off at Arizona for trying to pass a law that appears to encourage racial profiling, yet those same Americans think it is OK to label/discriminate against homosexuality. Yeah, I said it. It makes no sense to me why we think it is wrong to ask someone if they live and work in this country legally, yet it's OK to tell legal citizens they can't get married. I am pretty sure the Constitution guarantees equal rights to all people. The whole Arizona law is another argument for another day, right now I am more concerned for my homosexual friends. Since I am pretty sure most of them are legal and have jobs and don't make me run to the back to get the right WIC milk every day....Sorry I had a moment!!!
So anyway I have rambled on enough about this subject. Weather you agree or disagree with the whole Gay Rights debate, you should at least take a moment to think about this: What if it were you?? o.k. that is all for now, I have a Friday night to prepare for.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Reverend Putz(only part of her name)
So today was a very hectic day at work. Not only was it inventory day, but we had a surprise visit from our loss prevention department. Ugggghhhhh I despise days like today. I don't know why. I actually work better under pressure and when I have a million things to do. Anyway, I work at a grocery store that among other things has a Western Union station. For those of you who don't know what Western Union is, its a way for people to send and receive money all over the world in a matter of minutes.
About twice a week an elderly woman who I will refer to as Rev. Putz, comes into my store to send money to her son. This woman is in her early to late 60's and is about 5'2 inches tall. She has a short bowl cut and her hair looks like she uses red kool-aid to dye it. She also has no teeth. She always carries around a large dirty, old, shopping bag, which would lead one to believe she is homeless. She is not homeless. She signs her name Reverend J. Putz (not her whole name but part of it and I wish I were kidding about that) She also doesn't speak very well and I normally just smile and nod. Today was different. Here is our conversation as I can remember it.
Me: "welcome ma'am"
Rev. "Can I tell you something? It is too cold in here and people with diseases are going to get sicker."
Me: "We have already notified someone and they are supposed to come and fix our ac very soon. I am sorry its too cold for you."
Rev.: "I am mad about it but I cant get too mad. I learned not to get too mad. I am going to tell you a story now."
Me: (smiling and preparing)
Rev.: "last week I was about to get off the bus and I was not standing very well. Some woman got up to help me and she stole my sweater right off my back. I didn't notice until the bus left."
Me: "that's too bad"
Rev.: "When I got home I was so angry and I called the bus department to complain. They just let that women steal my sweater. I hung up the phone and went outside an there on my front porch was a squirrel. It was such a happy squirrel and it was clapping its hands."
Me: (scared, didn't even want to know what was next.)
Rev.: "That squirrel was the lord. The lord was speaking to me and telling me that I was put here to spread his word and not be mad at the world. So I am not mad at the bus department anymore. I know that squirrel was the lord I just know it"
Me: (shaking my head) "Public transportation, gotta love it."
Rev.: "I want to send money to my son. which form do I use? these look funny and they ask me what country."
Me: "yes ma'am we have new forms that make it easier for the customer. you only write which city and state you don't have to write U.S. if you don't want to."
Rev.: "why is everything foreign? I don't like foreigners. If this country keeps getting over run with foreigners I am leaving. My son better stop asking me for money. The next time he calls I am going to tell him he better not be asking for money. I don't have money. When I get money I am moving to Russia."
Me: "Russia seems pretty foreign to me."
Rev: "its the least foreign of all the foreign places."
Me: "it's $55.00 to send $50.00"
Rev.: "It really is too cold in here."
Me: "OK thank you have a nice day."
This is what I put up with on a daily basis.............More to come I am sure
About twice a week an elderly woman who I will refer to as Rev. Putz, comes into my store to send money to her son. This woman is in her early to late 60's and is about 5'2 inches tall. She has a short bowl cut and her hair looks like she uses red kool-aid to dye it. She also has no teeth. She always carries around a large dirty, old, shopping bag, which would lead one to believe she is homeless. She is not homeless. She signs her name Reverend J. Putz (not her whole name but part of it and I wish I were kidding about that) She also doesn't speak very well and I normally just smile and nod. Today was different. Here is our conversation as I can remember it.
Me: "welcome ma'am"
Rev. "Can I tell you something? It is too cold in here and people with diseases are going to get sicker."
Me: "We have already notified someone and they are supposed to come and fix our ac very soon. I am sorry its too cold for you."
Rev.: "I am mad about it but I cant get too mad. I learned not to get too mad. I am going to tell you a story now."
Me: (smiling and preparing)
Rev.: "last week I was about to get off the bus and I was not standing very well. Some woman got up to help me and she stole my sweater right off my back. I didn't notice until the bus left."
Me: "that's too bad"
Rev.: "When I got home I was so angry and I called the bus department to complain. They just let that women steal my sweater. I hung up the phone and went outside an there on my front porch was a squirrel. It was such a happy squirrel and it was clapping its hands."
Me: (scared, didn't even want to know what was next.)
Rev.: "That squirrel was the lord. The lord was speaking to me and telling me that I was put here to spread his word and not be mad at the world. So I am not mad at the bus department anymore. I know that squirrel was the lord I just know it"
Me: (shaking my head) "Public transportation, gotta love it."
Rev.: "I want to send money to my son. which form do I use? these look funny and they ask me what country."
Me: "yes ma'am we have new forms that make it easier for the customer. you only write which city and state you don't have to write U.S. if you don't want to."
Rev.: "why is everything foreign? I don't like foreigners. If this country keeps getting over run with foreigners I am leaving. My son better stop asking me for money. The next time he calls I am going to tell him he better not be asking for money. I don't have money. When I get money I am moving to Russia."
Me: "Russia seems pretty foreign to me."
Rev: "its the least foreign of all the foreign places."
Me: "it's $55.00 to send $50.00"
Rev.: "It really is too cold in here."
Me: "OK thank you have a nice day."
This is what I put up with on a daily basis.............More to come I am sure
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A little something I wrote in Sept 2009
So today at work it was just one MOMO after another. My dear friend Joni and I got to talk last night for the first time in months, and she said that I should write when I am stressed out. My loveing Hubby has told me this many times. I am taking both of their advice and writing letters to all the people I wanted to tell off today.................................
Dear Mr. Man-who-bought-the-pumpkin,
It is proper grocery store etiquette to put a divider between your groceries and the groceries belonging to the person in front of you. It is also polite to not be talking on your cell phone in line. It is especially rude to be talking on your cell phone with a blue tooth in your ear. I do not know if you are talking to me or the person you are on the phone with. When you see me trying to ring up your pumpkin, and you say pumpkin over and over again, I do not understand what this means. This leads me to believe you are either a. a mentally challenged person, or b. you dont speak english. I would appreciate it, as would the customers in front of you and behind you, if you would pay attention to what the F you are doing. THIS GOES FOR ANYONE WHO THINKS IT IS O.K. TO TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE CHECKING OUT AT ANY REGISTER ANYWHERE!!!!!!!
YOU ARE AN IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
Acssm
Dear Punk-Ass White Boy (aka Kenny from Can't hardly wait)
Listen, when you bring your baby mama's food stamp card into the store, you should know how much money is on it. I am sorry that you had to call your baby mama and cuss her out over the phone in front of me and another associate. I am sorry that you did not know there was only 11.76 left on your card, and you felt the need to try and buy T-Bone steaks. However, you should be aware that we do not need to know what you are going to do to her when you get home or how pissed off YOU are. We are the ones getting evil looks from the customers who are behind you in line. We are the ones who have to put your food back, when you ultimately decide you dont want any of it. We are the ones who have to answer to cash control people about your VOIDED order. Basically please take your domestic violence-wanna be gang member-living off my tax money-can't support your knocked up ho-ass out of my store!!!
p.s. YOU ARE WHITE!!!!!!! ( I am sorry if this statement offends anyone, but these people are ridiculous)
You are a GRADE A IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Man who sends money all over the world via western union,
It is not appropriate to have your test question be "What color panties". This leads me to believe you are a dirty old man. Well your question and your appearance. You smell very bad, you are unshaven, your hair is never brushed, your clothes are dirty, your finger nails are not clean, etc. Also you are not allowed to call me honey, baby, or sweetheart. That is rude, and I feel like I need a shower when you walk away. Also I have to use twice as many sanitizer wipes when you leave, as I do when other dirty people leave.
p.s. you are sending way too many western unions at my store to not be able to afford at least a tooth brush!
YOU ARE A DIRTY IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Customer with major Body odor issues,
We sell Deoderant, Soap, ToothBrushes, Toothpaste, Shampoo, and even after shave. If you so choose I can point out some rather nice smelling room spray and air fresheners for you to spray on yourself. Since we have all of these items availble to you, I would appreciate it if you would buy them and use them before you come back into my store. I go through more cans of Lysol than I care to count thanks to you and your smelly friends. I also have to leave and go try not to throw up in the bathroom. It is also very embarassing when the customer behind you says, "What is that smell?", and I have to say "I am not sure."
p.s. If you cant afford Food Lion prices, Wal-mart is up the road!
You are an Oblivious-to-your-own-smell, IDIOT!!!!!
Niki Leonardis
Dear Lady who didnt get a cart because " I only needed a few items",
You managed to carry all of your items through the store. You looked like you were struggling when you came up to the line, but you made it. GO YOU!!!!! However, when I am walking by with a cart and you say "Hey you leave that cart here," I want to push the cart so hard at you that it knocks you over. It is not my fault you thought you were SHERA. I would think that if you could carry all of those items out of bags, you could carry them rather easily once they are in bags with handles.
You are a rude IDIOT
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Man with the highly flamable propane tank,
We have nice visible signs on our doors that say "Propane tanks are not allowed in the building." These signs are for your safety as well as the safety of our associates. You wouldnt bring a propane tank inside your house would you???? Or maybe you would since your response, when I asked you nicely to take it outside was, "KABOOM". I don't need your smart ass remarks. I just need you to take your damn death tank outside. I am sure your family would be the first ones to sue Food Lion if your dumb redneck ass was blown to smithereens.
You are a backwoods IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
Dear JMU girl and roommate, yeah you, the ho-fo-sho type,
When you realize that your grocery bill is almost 200.00 and all you have to say is "It's not like Im paying for it, my dad is.", this makes me want to punch you in the face. I can't believe I actually heard those words come out of someone's mouth. How rude and inconsiderate. I am sure your daddy is rich and he wont even question why you needed 200.00 worth of groceries, but still. Don't you think it would be nice to maybe put back some of your health food. It counter acts with your obvious drunken binges anyway. (let's get realistic, you look like you just rolled off the ho train at 3am. your makeup is a mess and you reak of alcohol.) I am sure most of your attitude is your parents' fault anyway. I am not sure why I feel sorry for people who have obviously done a terrible job at teaching you responsibility and courtesy. o.k. never mind disregard this letter and go on with your pathetic existence..............
p.s. I do heart all of my friends who went to JMU, I am very thankful you guys ruin the stereotypes these skanky biotches put forth.
You are a hungover-skank ass-ho IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
I saved the best for last.....................
Dear Addicted to Benadryl lady,
We REALLY value your business at Food Lion. You single-handedly keep our HBA lady in employment. I understand you have such bad alergies that you sometimes need four boxes of Benadryl a day. We are always so happy when you come up to the register and feel like you shouldnt have to wait in line. ( We hardly ever have lines at my store since we are not allowed to let there be more than three people in line) You always say " I have a ride waiting." We are not happy when you ask cashiers for money. Remember when I told you I would call the police and have you tresspassed off the property??? Remember how your mom, who really is 80, came in and told me she was embarassed by you and you shouldnt be begging for money?? We are also not happy when customers come in the store and say some lady is outside begging for money. Why do you tell people your car ran out of gas and you need gas money? We all know you don't drive. You take a taxi or you have a friend drive you to the store. Plus you always insist, as I said before, that you have a ride waiting. Why do you tell people you were just diagnosed with cancer and need money for medical bills? We all know your sickness is medicine addiction, tabacco adiction, and perhaps alcoholism. Why in the HELL would you tell people you have a baby at home. You look older than your mother. (Of course, any customer who actually gives you money after that line, is an idiot themselves and they deserve to be swindled.) Yesterday you called our store and begged me not to call the police. you promised repeatedly that you would never do it again.
SO WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO IT AGAIN TODAY???????? Why did you basically force a customer to come in and buy you benadryl? That poor customer was convinced she HAD to do it. This makes both of you idiots, however, she actually thought you were sick. I just want you to know, that you will be receiveing zero chances from here on out. If you come in my store again, I will call the police. Period. End of Story. You lose. No more trips to food lion at 7a.m. for you. I just feel sorry for the lady who stocks our medicine aisle. I guess she will now have time to refill our shampoo for the smelly, greasy, unshowered customers. We will no longer have to order 200 boxes of benadryl a week.
p.s. I have never heard you sneeze, or cough or anything like that. I have never even seen you blow your nose when you have to wait in those long lines. your Sinus issues are very internal. you may want to get that checked.
You are the biggest MOMO Idiot,
Niki Leonardis
p.s. I realize the benadryl lady has severe addiction issues, but I stopped feeling sorry for her when she used Cancer and Children as ways to get money. I take those things very seriously!!!!!
Well, I hope you enjoyed this, cause I am a horrible writer. I do feel so much better. this is great. Now I can go take a lavender bath and wait for tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be great.
Dear Mr. Man-who-bought-the-pumpkin,
It is proper grocery store etiquette to put a divider between your groceries and the groceries belonging to the person in front of you. It is also polite to not be talking on your cell phone in line. It is especially rude to be talking on your cell phone with a blue tooth in your ear. I do not know if you are talking to me or the person you are on the phone with. When you see me trying to ring up your pumpkin, and you say pumpkin over and over again, I do not understand what this means. This leads me to believe you are either a. a mentally challenged person, or b. you dont speak english. I would appreciate it, as would the customers in front of you and behind you, if you would pay attention to what the F you are doing. THIS GOES FOR ANYONE WHO THINKS IT IS O.K. TO TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE CHECKING OUT AT ANY REGISTER ANYWHERE!!!!!!!
YOU ARE AN IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
Acssm
Dear Punk-Ass White Boy (aka Kenny from Can't hardly wait)
Listen, when you bring your baby mama's food stamp card into the store, you should know how much money is on it. I am sorry that you had to call your baby mama and cuss her out over the phone in front of me and another associate. I am sorry that you did not know there was only 11.76 left on your card, and you felt the need to try and buy T-Bone steaks. However, you should be aware that we do not need to know what you are going to do to her when you get home or how pissed off YOU are. We are the ones getting evil looks from the customers who are behind you in line. We are the ones who have to put your food back, when you ultimately decide you dont want any of it. We are the ones who have to answer to cash control people about your VOIDED order. Basically please take your domestic violence-wanna be gang member-living off my tax money-can't support your knocked up ho-ass out of my store!!!
p.s. YOU ARE WHITE!!!!!!! ( I am sorry if this statement offends anyone, but these people are ridiculous)
You are a GRADE A IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Man who sends money all over the world via western union,
It is not appropriate to have your test question be "What color panties". This leads me to believe you are a dirty old man. Well your question and your appearance. You smell very bad, you are unshaven, your hair is never brushed, your clothes are dirty, your finger nails are not clean, etc. Also you are not allowed to call me honey, baby, or sweetheart. That is rude, and I feel like I need a shower when you walk away. Also I have to use twice as many sanitizer wipes when you leave, as I do when other dirty people leave.
p.s. you are sending way too many western unions at my store to not be able to afford at least a tooth brush!
YOU ARE A DIRTY IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Customer with major Body odor issues,
We sell Deoderant, Soap, ToothBrushes, Toothpaste, Shampoo, and even after shave. If you so choose I can point out some rather nice smelling room spray and air fresheners for you to spray on yourself. Since we have all of these items availble to you, I would appreciate it if you would buy them and use them before you come back into my store. I go through more cans of Lysol than I care to count thanks to you and your smelly friends. I also have to leave and go try not to throw up in the bathroom. It is also very embarassing when the customer behind you says, "What is that smell?", and I have to say "I am not sure."
p.s. If you cant afford Food Lion prices, Wal-mart is up the road!
You are an Oblivious-to-your-own-smell, IDIOT!!!!!
Niki Leonardis
Dear Lady who didnt get a cart because " I only needed a few items",
You managed to carry all of your items through the store. You looked like you were struggling when you came up to the line, but you made it. GO YOU!!!!! However, when I am walking by with a cart and you say "Hey you leave that cart here," I want to push the cart so hard at you that it knocks you over. It is not my fault you thought you were SHERA. I would think that if you could carry all of those items out of bags, you could carry them rather easily once they are in bags with handles.
You are a rude IDIOT
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Man with the highly flamable propane tank,
We have nice visible signs on our doors that say "Propane tanks are not allowed in the building." These signs are for your safety as well as the safety of our associates. You wouldnt bring a propane tank inside your house would you???? Or maybe you would since your response, when I asked you nicely to take it outside was, "KABOOM". I don't need your smart ass remarks. I just need you to take your damn death tank outside. I am sure your family would be the first ones to sue Food Lion if your dumb redneck ass was blown to smithereens.
You are a backwoods IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
Dear JMU girl and roommate, yeah you, the ho-fo-sho type,
When you realize that your grocery bill is almost 200.00 and all you have to say is "It's not like Im paying for it, my dad is.", this makes me want to punch you in the face. I can't believe I actually heard those words come out of someone's mouth. How rude and inconsiderate. I am sure your daddy is rich and he wont even question why you needed 200.00 worth of groceries, but still. Don't you think it would be nice to maybe put back some of your health food. It counter acts with your obvious drunken binges anyway. (let's get realistic, you look like you just rolled off the ho train at 3am. your makeup is a mess and you reak of alcohol.) I am sure most of your attitude is your parents' fault anyway. I am not sure why I feel sorry for people who have obviously done a terrible job at teaching you responsibility and courtesy. o.k. never mind disregard this letter and go on with your pathetic existence..............
p.s. I do heart all of my friends who went to JMU, I am very thankful you guys ruin the stereotypes these skanky biotches put forth.
You are a hungover-skank ass-ho IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
I saved the best for last.....................
Dear Addicted to Benadryl lady,
We REALLY value your business at Food Lion. You single-handedly keep our HBA lady in employment. I understand you have such bad alergies that you sometimes need four boxes of Benadryl a day. We are always so happy when you come up to the register and feel like you shouldnt have to wait in line. ( We hardly ever have lines at my store since we are not allowed to let there be more than three people in line) You always say " I have a ride waiting." We are not happy when you ask cashiers for money. Remember when I told you I would call the police and have you tresspassed off the property??? Remember how your mom, who really is 80, came in and told me she was embarassed by you and you shouldnt be begging for money?? We are also not happy when customers come in the store and say some lady is outside begging for money. Why do you tell people your car ran out of gas and you need gas money? We all know you don't drive. You take a taxi or you have a friend drive you to the store. Plus you always insist, as I said before, that you have a ride waiting. Why do you tell people you were just diagnosed with cancer and need money for medical bills? We all know your sickness is medicine addiction, tabacco adiction, and perhaps alcoholism. Why in the HELL would you tell people you have a baby at home. You look older than your mother. (Of course, any customer who actually gives you money after that line, is an idiot themselves and they deserve to be swindled.) Yesterday you called our store and begged me not to call the police. you promised repeatedly that you would never do it again.
SO WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO IT AGAIN TODAY???????? Why did you basically force a customer to come in and buy you benadryl? That poor customer was convinced she HAD to do it. This makes both of you idiots, however, she actually thought you were sick. I just want you to know, that you will be receiveing zero chances from here on out. If you come in my store again, I will call the police. Period. End of Story. You lose. No more trips to food lion at 7a.m. for you. I just feel sorry for the lady who stocks our medicine aisle. I guess she will now have time to refill our shampoo for the smelly, greasy, unshowered customers. We will no longer have to order 200 boxes of benadryl a week.
p.s. I have never heard you sneeze, or cough or anything like that. I have never even seen you blow your nose when you have to wait in those long lines. your Sinus issues are very internal. you may want to get that checked.
You are the biggest MOMO Idiot,
Niki Leonardis
p.s. I realize the benadryl lady has severe addiction issues, but I stopped feeling sorry for her when she used Cancer and Children as ways to get money. I take those things very seriously!!!!!
Well, I hope you enjoyed this, cause I am a horrible writer. I do feel so much better. this is great. Now I can go take a lavender bath and wait for tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be great.
And then there was a Blog (for now anyway)
My Disclaimer: In no way shape or form is my employer responsible for this blog. The views and opinions in this blog are that of Alexandra Leonardis and no one else.
When I was a little girl my mom bought me many diaries. None of them lasted very long. I would come back to them over the years and read the enteries. I figured out I was not a very interesting child. Plus most of them only contained one or two enteries. I was easily distracted. Not much has changed. Well a lot has changed actually.
Now I am a 29 year old woman who is married and lives with her husband and 2 cats. Liberty and America are my cats. I am sure you will hear a lot about them. I have decided to start my own blog because it's what all the cool kids are doing these days. Plus, on occasion I have something to say that may or may not interest my 3 friends who will ever read this. Be prepared, if you do become a reader. Some of my thoughts are a little outlandish and not really PC.
I should also point out that I am not sure if this idea will last with me. As I said I get easily distracted and may even forget I have this......probably not since my husband is a writer and he is the one who said I should start this up. He thinks I am funny sometimes..................
p.s. I hope you like the term "MoMo", because you will be hearing it a lot
When I was a little girl my mom bought me many diaries. None of them lasted very long. I would come back to them over the years and read the enteries. I figured out I was not a very interesting child. Plus most of them only contained one or two enteries. I was easily distracted. Not much has changed. Well a lot has changed actually.
Now I am a 29 year old woman who is married and lives with her husband and 2 cats. Liberty and America are my cats. I am sure you will hear a lot about them. I have decided to start my own blog because it's what all the cool kids are doing these days. Plus, on occasion I have something to say that may or may not interest my 3 friends who will ever read this. Be prepared, if you do become a reader. Some of my thoughts are a little outlandish and not really PC.
I should also point out that I am not sure if this idea will last with me. As I said I get easily distracted and may even forget I have this......probably not since my husband is a writer and he is the one who said I should start this up. He thinks I am funny sometimes..................
p.s. I hope you like the term "MoMo", because you will be hearing it a lot
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