So today at work it was just one MOMO after another. My dear friend Joni and I got to talk last night for the first time in months, and she said that I should write when I am stressed out. My loveing Hubby has told me this many times. I am taking both of their advice and writing letters to all the people I wanted to tell off today.................................
Dear Mr. Man-who-bought-the-pumpkin,
It is proper grocery store etiquette to put a divider between your groceries and the groceries belonging to the person in front of you. It is also polite to not be talking on your cell phone in line. It is especially rude to be talking on your cell phone with a blue tooth in your ear. I do not know if you are talking to me or the person you are on the phone with. When you see me trying to ring up your pumpkin, and you say pumpkin over and over again, I do not understand what this means. This leads me to believe you are either a. a mentally challenged person, or b. you dont speak english. I would appreciate it, as would the customers in front of you and behind you, if you would pay attention to what the F you are doing. THIS GOES FOR ANYONE WHO THINKS IT IS O.K. TO TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE CHECKING OUT AT ANY REGISTER ANYWHERE!!!!!!!
YOU ARE AN IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
Acssm
Dear Punk-Ass White Boy (aka Kenny from Can't hardly wait)
Listen, when you bring your baby mama's food stamp card into the store, you should know how much money is on it. I am sorry that you had to call your baby mama and cuss her out over the phone in front of me and another associate. I am sorry that you did not know there was only 11.76 left on your card, and you felt the need to try and buy T-Bone steaks. However, you should be aware that we do not need to know what you are going to do to her when you get home or how pissed off YOU are. We are the ones getting evil looks from the customers who are behind you in line. We are the ones who have to put your food back, when you ultimately decide you dont want any of it. We are the ones who have to answer to cash control people about your VOIDED order. Basically please take your domestic violence-wanna be gang member-living off my tax money-can't support your knocked up ho-ass out of my store!!!
p.s. YOU ARE WHITE!!!!!!! ( I am sorry if this statement offends anyone, but these people are ridiculous)
You are a GRADE A IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Man who sends money all over the world via western union,
It is not appropriate to have your test question be "What color panties". This leads me to believe you are a dirty old man. Well your question and your appearance. You smell very bad, you are unshaven, your hair is never brushed, your clothes are dirty, your finger nails are not clean, etc. Also you are not allowed to call me honey, baby, or sweetheart. That is rude, and I feel like I need a shower when you walk away. Also I have to use twice as many sanitizer wipes when you leave, as I do when other dirty people leave.
p.s. you are sending way too many western unions at my store to not be able to afford at least a tooth brush!
YOU ARE A DIRTY IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Customer with major Body odor issues,
We sell Deoderant, Soap, ToothBrushes, Toothpaste, Shampoo, and even after shave. If you so choose I can point out some rather nice smelling room spray and air fresheners for you to spray on yourself. Since we have all of these items availble to you, I would appreciate it if you would buy them and use them before you come back into my store. I go through more cans of Lysol than I care to count thanks to you and your smelly friends. I also have to leave and go try not to throw up in the bathroom. It is also very embarassing when the customer behind you says, "What is that smell?", and I have to say "I am not sure."
p.s. If you cant afford Food Lion prices, Wal-mart is up the road!
You are an Oblivious-to-your-own-smell, IDIOT!!!!!
Niki Leonardis
Dear Lady who didnt get a cart because " I only needed a few items",
You managed to carry all of your items through the store. You looked like you were struggling when you came up to the line, but you made it. GO YOU!!!!! However, when I am walking by with a cart and you say "Hey you leave that cart here," I want to push the cart so hard at you that it knocks you over. It is not my fault you thought you were SHERA. I would think that if you could carry all of those items out of bags, you could carry them rather easily once they are in bags with handles.
You are a rude IDIOT
Niki Leonardis
ACSSM
Dear Man with the highly flamable propane tank,
We have nice visible signs on our doors that say "Propane tanks are not allowed in the building." These signs are for your safety as well as the safety of our associates. You wouldnt bring a propane tank inside your house would you???? Or maybe you would since your response, when I asked you nicely to take it outside was, "KABOOM". I don't need your smart ass remarks. I just need you to take your damn death tank outside. I am sure your family would be the first ones to sue Food Lion if your dumb redneck ass was blown to smithereens.
You are a backwoods IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
Dear JMU girl and roommate, yeah you, the ho-fo-sho type,
When you realize that your grocery bill is almost 200.00 and all you have to say is "It's not like Im paying for it, my dad is.", this makes me want to punch you in the face. I can't believe I actually heard those words come out of someone's mouth. How rude and inconsiderate. I am sure your daddy is rich and he wont even question why you needed 200.00 worth of groceries, but still. Don't you think it would be nice to maybe put back some of your health food. It counter acts with your obvious drunken binges anyway. (let's get realistic, you look like you just rolled off the ho train at 3am. your makeup is a mess and you reak of alcohol.) I am sure most of your attitude is your parents' fault anyway. I am not sure why I feel sorry for people who have obviously done a terrible job at teaching you responsibility and courtesy. o.k. never mind disregard this letter and go on with your pathetic existence..............
p.s. I do heart all of my friends who went to JMU, I am very thankful you guys ruin the stereotypes these skanky biotches put forth.
You are a hungover-skank ass-ho IDIOT,
Niki Leonardis
I saved the best for last.....................
Dear Addicted to Benadryl lady,
We REALLY value your business at Food Lion. You single-handedly keep our HBA lady in employment. I understand you have such bad alergies that you sometimes need four boxes of Benadryl a day. We are always so happy when you come up to the register and feel like you shouldnt have to wait in line. ( We hardly ever have lines at my store since we are not allowed to let there be more than three people in line) You always say " I have a ride waiting." We are not happy when you ask cashiers for money. Remember when I told you I would call the police and have you tresspassed off the property??? Remember how your mom, who really is 80, came in and told me she was embarassed by you and you shouldnt be begging for money?? We are also not happy when customers come in the store and say some lady is outside begging for money. Why do you tell people your car ran out of gas and you need gas money? We all know you don't drive. You take a taxi or you have a friend drive you to the store. Plus you always insist, as I said before, that you have a ride waiting. Why do you tell people you were just diagnosed with cancer and need money for medical bills? We all know your sickness is medicine addiction, tabacco adiction, and perhaps alcoholism. Why in the HELL would you tell people you have a baby at home. You look older than your mother. (Of course, any customer who actually gives you money after that line, is an idiot themselves and they deserve to be swindled.) Yesterday you called our store and begged me not to call the police. you promised repeatedly that you would never do it again.
SO WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU DO IT AGAIN TODAY???????? Why did you basically force a customer to come in and buy you benadryl? That poor customer was convinced she HAD to do it. This makes both of you idiots, however, she actually thought you were sick. I just want you to know, that you will be receiveing zero chances from here on out. If you come in my store again, I will call the police. Period. End of Story. You lose. No more trips to food lion at 7a.m. for you. I just feel sorry for the lady who stocks our medicine aisle. I guess she will now have time to refill our shampoo for the smelly, greasy, unshowered customers. We will no longer have to order 200 boxes of benadryl a week.
p.s. I have never heard you sneeze, or cough or anything like that. I have never even seen you blow your nose when you have to wait in those long lines. your Sinus issues are very internal. you may want to get that checked.
You are the biggest MOMO Idiot,
Niki Leonardis
p.s. I realize the benadryl lady has severe addiction issues, but I stopped feeling sorry for her when she used Cancer and Children as ways to get money. I take those things very seriously!!!!!
Well, I hope you enjoyed this, cause I am a horrible writer. I do feel so much better. this is great. Now I can go take a lavender bath and wait for tomorrow. I know tomorrow will be great.
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